I would find it awkward to jump right back into writing a post without acknowledging the fact that it has been well over a year since I wrote anything in this blog. I've toyed with the idea many times, and never sat down to actually write anything. Also, in complete honesty, my well of faith had been very shallow for much of that year. Recently I've begun to look toward God again. I can't say that I necessarily "strayed from the path" during my long silence, but for a long time I've been going through the motions while my heart was in turmoil. I'd like to touch on that struggle a little bit in this post.
This year has been absolutely full of changes, as the end of college usually is. I could fill paragraphs with the details of my story - what caused me to distance myself from God, and the lessons I've learned - but that's not really the point. If you'd like to hear my story let's meet for coffee some time. If you don't know me well enough in real life to meet for coffee, you probably shouldn't be that curious anyway.
Anyway, the summary of the issue is that I filled my life with other things to distract myself, and stopped communicating with God. A few months ago I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had stopped to pray on my own. I've always been someone who can fill a quiet moment with thoughts of prayer, but it had been a very long time since I had one of those silent conversations with my Father. In fact, when life took some rough turns and people in my life told me to pray about it, I felt awkward and uncomfortable with the idea. One day in church I realized that I was angry at God. I was so ashamed of myself! I had never understood people who got angry at God! After the service was over I went to my car and wept. For months I had been ignoring the emptiness in my heart where I used to feel the love of Christ. Now that the main thing I had used to replace Him was gone, I was angry. I had been sure that I was following God's will for my life and interpreting the signs and finding encouragement like I was supposed to. Now I couldn't bring myself to pray, and I didn't trust my ability to interpret God's will, and I was expressing that as anger towards God.
Friends, it has taken months to heal, but that day was a turning point in my journey.
Shortly after realizing how angry I was, I found myself sitting on the bluff of Lake Michigan late at night and whispering prayers out loud. I confessed all my guilt and anger, and spoke to my Father about the pain and doubt in my heart. As my emotions emptied and I felt I had no more to say, the wind that been strong up until that point died down to a gentle breeze. Rarely have I felt God's presence so strongly, and the peace that filled my heart is not something I can express in words. That was the moment I began to really heal. God has put people in my life, as He always does, to lead me back to Him. He shows His love to me every day through them.
Despite being encouraged in my faith, I've continued to have many struggles in the past months. God never promised me an easy path. Here I sit, a college graduate, looking forward with terror and doubt. My path is set before me: I'm enrolled in graduate school that will last another three years. After that, with the profession I've chosen, it should be relatively easy to find a job. The problem is that I'm not sure it's really what I want. As I approached graduation I felt pessimistic. The sense of accomplishment that should accompany a college graduation was markedly absent. Slowly I've come to appreciate the importance of this step, but the endlessness of my path still has me discouraged. Most days the idea of more school makes me want to run and hide, and I'm not sure if it's just the prospect of more school or specifically the subject I'm planning on studying that has me more scared. Like I said, I've lost a lot of faith in my ability to interpret God's will. Here's what I realized the other day though:
Whether I interpret it perfectly or not, God's will still prevails.
When I look at the positive side of the events of the last year, the lesson I learn is that God blesses us through what might seem like the worst of times. Even things that seem so dark and confused and messy are being used to accomplish God's plan.
My bachelor's degree is in psychology. My biggest lesson in getting that degree, and the philosophy I have about life after studying psychology for 2 years, is that there is no right answer. Nobody has it all figured out! For someone like me that's a scary thought. Having a well-defined plan is pretty important to my sense of well-being. It's something I've had to get over as life becomes increasingly unpredictable. A few weeks ago God spoke to me, as he often does, through music. A friend had composed a choral piece and needed a small choir to perform it for his conducting class. The song was based on Psalm 139, and the repeated idea was verses 23-24:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any evil within me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
After running from God for so long and trying to hide the doubts and fears in my heart, the first part of that passage hit me like a ton of bricks. Finally I felt willing to open myself back up to God, even admitting the ugly anxious thoughts that are so shameful to me. My Father is full of love and grace, and forgives my unbelief, though I am stubborn and undeserving. The second half of the passage is also extremely important. When we open up to God and ask him to speak to us and search our hearts, he guides us in the way we should go. Right now what I need most is guidance, and I am so thankful that God has brought me back to Him and continues to gently guide my steps. I still don't have the right answer, and likely never will, but I can once again see how I have been guided through the good and bad so far, and trust that His guidance will lead me to wherever I'm supposed to be next.
