Man, that space is powerful.
Maybe it sounds a little silly, and I'm not saying this because it's pretty and makes for nice pictures. I'm saying it's a powerful place because some of the biggest things in my life have happened there, and I have had the very best conversations with God on that beach. I remember one night of angry prayer, when the wind was howling to match my heart When I had finally spewed out all of my frustration, the wind became calm, and I felt a peace that cannot be described. I have gone out in the rain to feel washed and renewed. When I know I'm in distress, and I cannot seem to hear God's voice, I go to the rocks and listen to the water, feeling (as much as I know faith isn't always a feeling) the strong embrace of my Savior. Last night was a night like that. As I sat there almost in tears from the stress of all my new schoolwork and all the other things in my life I worry over, God put a verse into my mind that I have read dozens of times.
"Many are asking, 'Who can show us any good?' Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:6-8)
This verse is highlighted in bright green in my trusty Bible. Countless times I've read it before I sleep, to remind myself that I can sleep in peace. I've marveled at how poetic that second sentence is. It's beautiful, isn't it? Until last night though, I don't think I ever really realized what it meant. In that exact moment I saw the middle of that passage in a brand new light.
For months I thought if I could just get into gradate school, I would feel less restless. I needed a purpose, and to feel like I was going somewhere in life. Now I'm in the program I wanted. It's hard, but I believe it's worth it.
I still feel restless, and lack direction.
I thought maybe if I just didn't hate my job so much I'd feel a little less bitter. Now I have so much school work to do that I left the job that frustrated me. I'm only working at the job I love.
I still feel restless, and I still have days of bitter despair.
I've wondered if maybe I just need to see people more. Hang out with friends and talk to people who care. But seeing my friends still leaves me feeling tired, and yet wanting more.
I still feel restless, and impossibly lonely sometimes.
I believed that peace and fulfillment was just around the corner, when my next dream could come true. And yeah, maybe it would be easier to feel content if I was not in such constant transition. But as I remembered those verses last night I finally understood the truth, that looking to God yields joy that is greater than that of all those people I envy who seem to have such abundant blessings. There is no such thing as having it all. Unless, of course, God is your all.
Now, I can't tell you I'll be cheerful always. It will take constant mindfulness to remember to be grateful where I am with what I have. But the reminder was much needed, and for a while I felt the joy that is able to fill a heart and not leave one bit empty. He calls it peace.
