Take heart dear friends! I promise to make this post much more uplifting than my recent fare. Today I was having some interesting thoughts about human nature. I realised that my blog is very indicative of my spiritual life: Most of my contact with God involves asking for something. Sometimes it's selfish requests, like "Lord help me make friends" or "Can I please get my brain on track with this homework?" Sometimes the requests seem more noble, like asking for forgiveness and the strength to repent.
But no matter how good my intentions are with my requests, I often leave out a key element in my contact with God: Praise! James 5:13 expresses the need for both requests and praise well: "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise."
Sadly, I'm only thinking about this now, when I have some major praise due to God. Really we should be sending up prayers and songs and shouts of praise for the "little things" in life, even when they're hard to see amongst hardship. Thankfully, God does forgive everything, even our "sins of omission", when we don't do something that we should. Those of you who read my post directly previous to this one will be glad to know that I'm settled in at college and having a wonderful year so far. My living conditions have significantly improved, I've been spending time with wonderful people who I'm glad to call my friends, and my classes (although difficult) promise to be stirring and thought-provoking. Best of all, I can much more easily make it to chapel services more often. This is an occasion for exuberant praise, and although I'm late in realising that I should give credit and glory to God, I gladly give it now.
Another cautionary thought I had, however, was to search for a balance between using my praise as a thanks offering and witness, and drawing attention to myself so that people are distracted from my purpose. Maybe a blog post was a bad idea? I don't really think so, since I'm explaining myself fully and this blog has a limited audience. Jesus does caution us in Matthew 6 to be discreet though. He warns in verse 5, "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full." Does this mean you should never pray in public? No! It's simply a warning to check your motives. When I'm blogging, am I trying to delve into God's word and learn from it, or am I trying to talk about my life using Scripture as a guise? When we pray in public, is it out of real need or gratitude, or do we just want to see how people react? When we post something religious on facebook, are we truly trying to be a witness, or just showing off our Christianity as a personality trait? It's something to think about. A bit later in Matthew 6 Jesus gives another warning, "And when you pray, do not keep babbling on like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words." (verse 7) That verse might inspire a rule to live by. In public, everyday life situations, keep religious comments brief. Don't be afraid to profess your faith, in thanking God and telling people that you'll pray for them. But make sure not to say so much that people view you as "too holy". We live in a judgmental and impatient world. We have a difficult task of leaving a good impression of Christ wherever we go. But we have each other for support, and the Holy Spirit is working through everything we do.
Fact: I am full of fear and worry. Fortunately for those around me, I can usually play it cool, but I have periodic breakdowns in which it seems like everything is closing in around me and nothing is ever going to be okay. Then I start yelling or crying or simply go catatonic (if the situation isn't conducive to yelling or crying). Generally the only people that actually get to witness this are my mother or occasionally my boyfriend.
Anyway, the point is that I can feel one of those coming on soon. It's been a rough summer, mentally. Yeah sure, I'm spending most of my days doing things that can't qualify as stressful. But I'm in a constant emotional struggle of worry and fear. The biggest culprits at the moment are my impending move back to college, and my boyfriend's transition to college. Both of these are problematic because they both present some big uncertainties. As for me, I have no idea how this year is going to go. I refuse to be as foolish as I was last year and pretend like I have the power to make it great. For some reason I'm not a "college person". The lifestyle doesn't suit me. So will I find the friendships I crave? Will I get out more? How much harder will my classes be? How can I find out more about my career path and get started preparing? Will I find a job? The list of questions stretches on until it's dizzying. Some of the same questions are things I wonder about my boyfriend. His school is much bigger, his program is more intense, and he has more social obligations. I wonder how he'll take to it. I wonder when I'll see him, what we'll do, and how we'll have time for each other.
I went searching for comfort, looking up the word "afraid" in my Bible's Concordance. One of the suggestions it had was Psalm 27:1, but when I turned to that Psalm I saw that I had highlighted two verses that are more appropriate comfort for this situation. Verses 13 and 14 say, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Often when things are stressful or nothing seems to be going as I want it to, I sit there wishing Jesus would just come and take me now. This world doesn't seem worth it, and I long for the perfect joy of heaven. But God doesn't just reserve all of his joy for heaven. He shows his goodness here on earth as well. It's very important to use the word "seem" in my writing when I'm using absolute statements like "nothing is going the way I want it to". Maybe there are some really big issues that are difficult to handle or even completely out of my control, but God always provides comfort in some way or another. Even now I'm realising that, although right now having a boyfriend is giving me more to worry about, if I didn't have him to be my best friend I'd be so much more upset. Good things happen to those who wait. Even though waiting is the hardest thing to do when you're worried about the future, it's the only thing we can really do. God promises us wonderful things in his own time, both here and in heaven, and gives us hope to strengthen us as we anticipate the time when the worries of the past become the joy of the present.
