Green

This morning I don't really have a verse yet. But I'm struggling with a recurrent sin, the ugly green glow of jealousy. Jealousy is a funny thing. In my life there are two kinds: sad and angry.
Sad jealousy is the kind I feel when I see other people walking around with groups of friends or eating and laughing in the cafeteria. It's also what I feel when I come back to an empty room and know that my roommate is hanging out with people, which is something I never do.
Angry jealousy is what I usually feel in the subject of romantic relationships, and it's more blatantly sinful (because I'm angry at how my life turned out, and therefore angry at God). This is what I feel when I'm 250 miles away from the person I love, and yet I see couples here that live in the same building. Angry jealousy is also what I feel when I think too hard about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. And that is the feeling and thought process that kept me awake last night. I'm jealous of the time she had with him that I can never claim; the part of his life that I wasn't there for and she was. I'm angry that while I'm giving him my first of everything (I've never been in a relationship before), I'll always have to share the list of people he's loved with her. I'm angry that for the time being I haven't been with him for as long as she was. That anger covers up the small hidden and illogical fear that when we get to that point, we won't make it either. I'm angry that she took so long to get over him, and that it's put me in a very awkward place where no matter how much evidence i now have that she's over it, I'll never really trust her. I'm jealous that she's so well liked by his whole family, and I've only ever met his immediate family and we're not extremely close. 
It's so nonsensical and terrible, because I know that God has a plan and I should focus on the events of right now and just be the best girlfriend I can be. Just sometimes at night when I'm overtired and she somehow comes up on facebook or in the phone conversation between he and I, it brings back memories and unbidden thoughts and I start to wonder about the nature and details of their relationship. Sometimes I'm even terrible enough to ask him about things, which is not nice, because he probably doesn't want to think about it that much. Last night I think the jealousy was particularly bad because, when I asked a question about something specific in their time together, instead of his usual "I don't remember well" he explained that he sometimes leaves out details or words it carefully so as to not worry me. Of course that made me worry more, because I want to know what he's thinking that he's not telling me because it's worrisome.
I apologize, this is becoming too much like a personal rant. Honestly it's just me trying to sort through my own thoughts, and it's kindof like a confession.
That actually does remind me of a Bible verse I can bring into this mess: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
It's wonderful to know that in the midst of all this guilt and worry I can confess it to God and he will both forgive me and help me to not fall into it again.